I had fasted for 12 hours - no food, no drink. I had zero pain killers or any other necessary medications in my system for 24 hours.
I went to get my first infusion of Ketamine hoping it would help lesson the pain of my CRPS leg spasms.
Yesterday I arrived at my very worst. But as I’ve learned from experience, there is always more worst to be known.
You see, lately my life has been quite stagnant. I’ve been home sitting in my painful “stuck” just clinging to God’s promises in order to keep existing.
Days and days of living in a bath tub or bed with little contact to the world had now grown from weeks, to months, to years of unliving.
Truth: Chronic pain is a lonely road traveling to nowhere. It’s misunderstood. It’s unrelenting and difficult. It is death without the death part.
Chronic pain strips and bludgeons until all one can do is sit in the stuck and take each hit as gracefully as possible. At least, that’s my experience.
So let’s fast forward.
I get the infusion.
I have a negative reaction to the infusion that causes worse spasms causing me to flail about uncontrollably. My level 10 is now at level 1000 with my legs feeling like they are fully on fire and unable to be extinguished.
It becomes so bad that they ambulance me to the hospital emergency room to try and help settle me down. I’m still high from the infusion and a danger to myself and those around me. I kicked my husband in the jaw. I pull out iv’s and such. I’m screaming about monsters. I’m in and out of consciousness and mad as hell that I’m in the hospital.
Is this my new worst? Have I just dropped further down into the quicksand of the stuck?
Tests are done.
Nothing brings relief.
Everyone gives up.
I go home and get in my tub.
I pace the house hallucinating.
Then finally, I fall asleep.
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Today
Well, what do you know….
Today, I’m home.
I have zero leg spasms.
My pain is between a 4 and 5 on the numeric pain intensity scale.
I take a walk outside with my husband using my rollater for support. (I can’t even remember the last time I could do that.)
I visit neighbors.
I enjoy the sunshine.
Is this hope?!!!?
Is this a corner turned?
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Will this last? Time will tell.
Am I still in pain? Yes, but not as much.
No spasms so far. That's definitely new.
I’m used to living one day at a time, so let’s just say this: Today is a good day. Yay!
Today I’m standing up in the stuck with Jesus who continues to see me through.
And to this I will sing, "Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well. It is well with my soul."
Consider yourself updated and thank you for all the love dear readers.
XOXO!
Victoria